We can only Change Ourselves and our Perspective

The other day I had a conversation with a friend of mine.  We were talking of faith and she was explaining what her life was like growing up with out a mother and an alcoholic father who was not involved with his children. She is much older now and she spoke about all the resentment she had over the years and how she tried to talk with her father about her feelings.

What she told me really spoke to me in that she realized she couldn't change him, she could only take control and change herself. I think many times we have high hopes to change people or at least their opinions of us and our relationships with them. Everyone has their faults. Sometimes talking it out doesn't work and sometimes expressing how it made you feel doesn't matter. People will be who they are and "beating the dead horse" so to speak will get you nowhere. It's more of a fairytale dream to think that we can and we need to come to terms with the fact.

My friend said "If you can change your perspective and look at the situation in a slightly different, more positive way then maybe that tiny shift can make our whole outlook a little better and the cross (baggage) that we carry a little lighter."

I just stopped right there...
She went on to say "we can only change ourselves, we can only work on ourselves to be the best we can be. By working on ourselves to be the goodness that we hope to be, we can be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend"

I know from my own experiences that many times I get so caught up in defending myself and who I am that I don't stop and look at what is really happening. We always need to be right, we always need to win (by using the term We I mean me and anyone else like this) and this mentality makes us stubborn and our understanding and care of other people is slowly pushed down the list of virtues. Some people can be downright mean and downright crazy and absolutely wrong... but we can't change that, we can only change ourselves and how we act and think and this year my goal has been to become a better me. I have been changing somethings in my life to live a healthier more natural and sustainable life but I have forgotten about the mental and spiritual self.

It's hard... I know! I fight with myself and think "why should I be the one to change?" Then I remember that the world does not revolve around me and my opinions or feelings. What we all hope this world possess is goodness and peace, Right? Fighting to be right and heard because we think ourselves are more important then anything in this world... fighting doesn't create peace of mind, it doesn't create peace. Fighting for peace only leads to fighting.

What have you been focusing on this year?

Isn't it ironic how we seem to get exactly what we NEED at just the right time!

I've been meaning to write this post for sometime now but today I wanted to join the link up over at Pour Your Heart Out.

A Year From Now

A year from now, I hope I can look myself in the mirror and see the change.

So this running thing... Started off great... a month and a half into it, still no results. I got frustrated and pissy. Ended up not running for a month. I totally lost sight of what my mission was and why I was doing it. I started to feel sorry for myself . . . eck!

The other day, I ran for almost an hour straight!! I just got up and said "I am going to run"! Now, for a beginning runner this is huge!! I probably could have ran more but I didn't want to pass out right there on the sidewalk. In a fluke accident I sprained my ankle over the weekend. Just another battle to over come.

This is me w/my glasses and my husband

Recently, I got back into my contacts. I went two straight years wearing glasses, coming from a person who always wore contacts in the past. Not that I am superficial but the contacts have given me a new look... like literally I look different and emotionally I feel different. I think I really started sporting the glasses when I had my first baby. Ironically, that is around the time I started struggle.

For me, I think the glasses were a way of hiding behind a curtain. I didn't really have to worry so much about make-up because who could even see me with the thick frames. My weight struggled and slowly packed on an additional 20 pounds with out even realizing it! Emotionally I struggled too. My anxiety went through the roof and I couldn't handle stress like I use to. I think the biggest thing for me was looking myself in the mirror.  I didn't like the reflection and I just allowed it to get worse.

So here I am today, struggling to get my butt in gear, trying to get myself back. I really see myself now that the glasses are gone and man... I look older! Didn't realize how age had taken to me, but I can see ME now and what I have been hiding so long. I am back and I know I will have my struggles in the healthy living process, but I am seeing things clearer! Hopefully, by this time next year I WILL see results!

Coming at you with Pour Your Heart Out...

A Toast To Formula Feeding Mothers

I was on a social networking site the other day, when I came across this one mothers picture and post. The picture had a baby and the topic was "The Breastfed Baby" and on this picture was all the different benefits the breastfed baby has over a formula fed baby. The comment this person wrote was "look at what formula can't do for your baby."

I try not to be judgy... I know it doesn't feel good and motherhood alone can feel impossible on certain days without the comments and stares from people, thinking you are a total fail at parenting. For some reason this one post bothered me. It was as if she was pointing her finger at every mother who didn't try hard enough to breast feed.

When I was pregnant with my first, I had envisioned what "type" of mother I wanted to be. Turns out that doesn't really happen... who would have known? Still, its nice to see that somethings I held my ground on. So what if I didn't end up using cloth diapers and saving the environment. Okay, maybe the "make my own baby food" idea didn't last long. Maybe my children don't always eat the healthiest of foods. And despite my firm beliefs in being a stay at home mom and not putting my child in daycare, with my second child that is exactly what I did.

Back to this breastfed baby picture... it was kind of disappointing to see another mother be so judgmental in her comments. I tried, I really did. But in the end I just couldn't. See, some people have problems producing enough milk supply, especially when both of their children were in the NICU and had to be fed a special supplemented diet. It's hard pumping and feeding separately, but even that was not why.
Each time I had to throw in the towel, I was devastated. As if I was letting down my baby or not being a mother by providing the basic need of food. I cried for weeks with my first one. I was so determined that I would with the next one, that I pushed even further. I made it this time to a month and a half and not once was she ever feed from my breast, it was all pumped. I feel as though I have missed out on that bond but I can't look back.

It just really irritates me when people ask if you are breastfeeding, as if the answer to this one question determines you as a mother. I just want to tell all of you mothers out their who have breastfed that have this stigma against mothers who don't....

"Yes I understand all the help benefits of breastfed babies... I was given all of that information when I was seeing my doctor regularly at my prenatal visits"

"No you don't need to rub it in that you stuck with it despite how hard it was"

And finally,

"Yes, I do feel bad that I wasn't able to provide the nutrition and good health to my baby like you...."

Even though my oldest daughter was only breast fed for a couple weeks, she very rarely ever went to the doctor besides her normal check ups. Even though breastfed babies tend to have a higher IQ per say... my daughters language abilities are beyond her age. So it looks like the formula over the breast milk didn't really have that big of an impact on her after all.

Looking at my children today, I'm not disappointed at the "type" of mother I am or will become. I see my children healthy, happy and gosh darn it, amazing!!! I must have done something right in all the wrongs to have raised such an incredible little almost 3 year old!

Here is a toast, to all the mothers that were not able to breastfeed. It's hard enough to be a mother, lets not criticize those that were not able to. We already get it.

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."

I think we picked the wrong name for our baby... actually I wasn't 100% on it to begin with, but now I know for sure. I guess I don't really have the right name thought up, but I feel like this one is all wrong. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Regret or doubt for naming your child wrong. She is past two months, is it too late to change it? Has anyone ever done this?

I am a little heart broken by this. It just doesn't fit. Is this some type of postpartum thing? Am I wrong for thinking this way? I don't feel wrong, but I feel some judgement that this might be wrong. Is this something I am suppose to deal with and keep to myself. I'm not going to change her name. We've already baptized her with this name and I can only imagine the stories later on in life about how "mommy went nutso and changed your name three months after you were born"

Maybe I'm just being a little dramatic, It's like a tick in my ear. I know why people save their names and keep them a surprise until after the child is born. Because of the judgement from other people. Everyone always has a comment to make about the name you pick, as if they are involved in the decision. I felt criticism with my names and maybe I did base my decision partly on that.

Lesson learned....