Self Doubt about Homeschooling

As we near the official time Bella would attend kindergarten I being to feel anxious and have a little self-doubt. With homeschooling, I know this is a natural feeling, one that will never go away but hopefully lessen.

August seems far away now. For an anxious person like me, it's coming all too fast. I guess my biggest fear is what if we don't really have enough time and what if she falls behind? I will still be working full time next year and the hubby will be available during the days, but I'm the one committing to this. I'm the one taking on the responsibility of actually teaching her.

These are my doubts.....

Will she learn enough?
What if it doesn't work out at the end of the year?
Will we keep up with the work?
Can I really do this?

"Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil." - Matthew 4:1

I just feel the pressure... a lot. And Yes, we have family members that are skeptical and don't agree with this choice. I feel like this is the wilderness for me. To be tested and for me to question this choice over and over again. It was easy to make this decision two years ago even after I read about all the push back I might receive. But now that we are steadily approaching that day in August in every 5 year old's life to technically begin school, the fear to follow through with this calling creeps in. I am being tempted to look the other way and turn back. I have to keep my eyes on whats ahead of me and know, that through the wilderness, it will only make this blessing more joyful and meaningful.

All of these things I have read about and thought to myself "if I prepare, I can overcome the outside forces", but the outside forces have cause a little self-doubt. I am a person that struggles with self-doubt. I have my entire life and it makes for one indecisive person.

We Got An Early Start
It's not as if we are not doing this homeschooling thing already. We started Bella's "kindergarten" year off early. Almost an entire year early. We started off with light work and began the basics of math, reading and handwriting. I knew her first year would be minimal and I wanted to make sure we had enough time to get through an entire year of curriculum. So the plan was to do part time for two years.

She absolutely loves her Saxon Math Manipulatives kit! Saxon has been a gentle introduction to the subject and she looks forward to this the most. She loves working with the pattern blocks and the counting bears.

The reading program we chose was Bob Books. It's worked really well and she is almost done with the first set of books. I recommend these books to everyone!! When I first started thinking about teaching my daughter how to read, I had no idea where to even begin. I love the incorporation of phonics with each book of the first set. I get such reassurance when I see the look on her face after she has read an entire book all by herself. It's not the look of incredible excitement. It's the sly smirk that her teeth just want to burst through into a full smile. She can get a bit cocky:)!

Stay Strong
 
When I think about all this self-doubt, I pull my strength knowing that this is our families calling. I know there will be naysayers and I know this wont be easy. I have felt pulled to this for the past couple years. I believe God has led me down this path and I take comfort in knowing this is what is meant to be. I have to remind myself of our goals and the mission behind this decision. Perhaps that is why everyone recommends writing it down and referring back to it in times of struggle.

"I appeal to you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." - Romans 12:1-2

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

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We can only Change Ourselves and our Perspective

The other day I had a conversation with a friend of mine.  We were talking of faith and she was explaining what her life was like growing up with out a mother and an alcoholic father who was not involved with his children. She is much older now and she spoke about all the resentment she had over the years and how she tried to talk with her father about her feelings.

What she told me really spoke to me in that she realized she couldn't change him, she could only take control and change herself. I think many times we have high hopes to change people or at least their opinions of us and our relationships with them. Everyone has their faults. Sometimes talking it out doesn't work and sometimes expressing how it made you feel doesn't matter. People will be who they are and "beating the dead horse" so to speak will get you nowhere. It's more of a fairytale dream to think that we can and we need to come to terms with the fact.

My friend said "If you can change your perspective and look at the situation in a slightly different, more positive way then maybe that tiny shift can make our whole outlook a little better and the cross (baggage) that we carry a little lighter."

I just stopped right there...
She went on to say "we can only change ourselves, we can only work on ourselves to be the best we can be. By working on ourselves to be the goodness that we hope to be, we can be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend"

I know from my own experiences that many times I get so caught up in defending myself and who I am that I don't stop and look at what is really happening. We always need to be right, we always need to win (by using the term We I mean me and anyone else like this) and this mentality makes us stubborn and our understanding and care of other people is slowly pushed down the list of virtues. Some people can be downright mean and downright crazy and absolutely wrong... but we can't change that, we can only change ourselves and how we act and think and this year my goal has been to become a better me. I have been changing somethings in my life to live a healthier more natural and sustainable life but I have forgotten about the mental and spiritual self.

It's hard... I know! I fight with myself and think "why should I be the one to change?" Then I remember that the world does not revolve around me and my opinions or feelings. What we all hope this world possess is goodness and peace, Right? Fighting to be right and heard because we think ourselves are more important then anything in this world... fighting doesn't create peace of mind, it doesn't create peace. Fighting for peace only leads to fighting.

What have you been focusing on this year?

Isn't it ironic how we seem to get exactly what we NEED at just the right time!

I've been meaning to write this post for sometime now but today I wanted to join the link up over at Pour Your Heart Out.